


In the Desert You Can Remember Your Name

by mydeira



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 15:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydeira/pseuds/mydeira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander gets sent on a vision quest and meets the last person he ever expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Desert You Can Remember Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> Written for _sharvie_ in the William ficathon (on LiveJournal in August of 2005). The request was for William/Xander Romantic Angst with anal sex, either’s first time, and BDSM. There were to be no sudden realizations of gayness (natural development), no fluff, and no seriously dark darkfic. Well, I pretty much covered what you didn’t want. Mainly it was the natural progression to realization that got me. So going with that idea, I got them to be friends. Hope you still enjoy it. And thank you to Savvy for the beta and reminding me that I had something pending on my calendar.

The village elders sent him on a vision quest in repayment for helping the chief’s daughter with her new powers.  They wouldn’t let him say no.  It was the last thing he needed or wanted.  
  
Since the fall of Sunnydale and the establishment of the new Watchers Council, Xander had been perfectly content seeking out new slayers, helping them find their way.  Being in Africa was like nothing he had ever experienced before.  Aside from the slayers and occasional demon brawl, it was as far removed from his old life as anything.  And he was happy with that.  It was a fresh start.  
  
After the elders had found him still beating a long dead Gr’ickna-a, they had taken him aside and explained what they wanted to do for him.  He was doing good work they said, but he had no purpose.  Helping the girls was an escape, an excuse not to live.  If he continued as he was for much longer, there would be nothing left.  There was darkness inside that would consume him if he didn’t face it.  
  
And they were right.  All the grief and rage had been building inside since they had left Sunnydale behind and Andrew had told him of how Anya had saved him.  Truth be told, it had been building since before then.  Incompetence and failures over the years slowly adding up.  He had his moments where for one brief instant he felt that yes, he actually was of use.  But then he would be knocked out or beaten or lose an eye and things were back to normal.  Big brother Xander, good for a laugh or to listen, but to watch your back in a fight, heck no.  
  
So he had come to Africa to get away from it all.  And it had worked, until recently.  But Xander wasn’t a fool; he saw reason eventually.  That was why he was now on day two of his trek alone through an expanse of the African savannah.  
  
When he’d asked where he was going, they said he would know when he got there.  Vagueness.  He’d grown used to that.  Didn’t like it, but he didn’t argue either.  
  
It was almost noon when he stopped near a rocky hill.  The sun was beating down and from the looks of the hill there was a cave that would provide a nice shelter from the scorching sun.  
  
He was just getting nice and comfortable, about to devour his lunchtime ration of jerky when he heard scuffling in the back of the cave.  Wonderful!  Couldn’t a guy get a break?  A little peace and quiet in Timbuktu, it wasn’t asking much, was it?  Hopefully it was a small rodent, and not some hungry mother lion or worse, a demon.  
  
Figuring it was better to face it head on than wait to be attacked, he picked up his flashlight and trusty hunting knife and made his way inside.  Twenty feet in, he found out exactly what was keeping him company.  
  
Looked like worse it was.  
  
A vampire.  One he knew all too well.  One who should be very much non-existent after his brief revival in LA.  From the reports they’d received, Angel and his band had fallen in the fight against Wolfram & Hart.  After that, the demon army had disappeared.  It still didn’t explain how Spike got here, alive or undead or whatever, in the middle of Africa in a cave that Xander just happened to stop at on his reluctant vision quest.  
  
“This is a joke, right?” he asked his second least favorite vampire in the world.  
  
Spike looked at him.  But it wasn’t the Spike Xander knew.  He of peroxide and bravado, with a quick biting remark always at the ready.  The Spike before him looked more like the pathetic creature Buffy and he had found in the basement, wild dark hair and dirt covered skin, driven mostly insane by a soul and the First Evil.  Crazy Spike, in a cave, in Africa.  Someone really had a sense of humor.  
  
“I beg your pardon, sir, but do I know you?” Spike studied him curiously, his voice rich and cultured.  Proper.  Polite.  
  
“Do you know me?” Xander laughed because no other reaction seemed quite right.  “No, Spike, you don’t know me.  Just like you didn’t live in my basement for two months too long or sleep with my ex-girlfriend or almost rape my best friend.”  
  
“Who is Spike?”  
  
Xander blinked.  Nope, still there.  Pinched himself.  Yup, definitely awake.  
  
“Spike is you, you moron.  And what the hell are you doing here?” Xander said with exasperation.  
  
“I do apologize for the confusion, but I do not know this Spike of whom you speak.  My name is William,” his companion informed him politely.  
  
“William?  As in William the Bloody?”  
  
‘William’ sighed.  “I do hate that name.  I know my poetry isn’t the best, but it is rather cruel to address one by such a horrid nickname to their face.”  
  
“P-poetry?” Xander stammered.  And he looked at ‘William’ a little closer.  He wasn’t dirty so much as tanned (and tanned vampire, pretty much impossible as far as Xander knew), his hair a light brown and grown out, with clothes that were definitely not anything Xander thought Spike would be caught undead in.  White shirt, suspenders, what appeared to be khakis.  And he was wearing glasses.  
  
“Are you alright?”  
  
Xander came back to himself.  “Am I alright?  No, I am not alright.  And just what the hell is going on here?”  
  
‘William’ looked taken aback by the outburst.  Disappointedly, he said.  “I was hoping you could tell me that.”  
  
Maybe he’d been in the sun too long.  Yes, this was just a hallucination.  If he went back, drank some water, took a nap, then ‘William’ would disappear and Xander could continue on with his journey.  
  
Leaving his hallucination behind, Xander did just that.  Returned to his things in the front of the cave, took a hearty drink from his canteen, made himself comfortable, and went promptly to sleep.  
  


***

  
  
He woke up an indeterminate time later to find that the hallucination was not gone, and was now standing over him with a look of concern.  
  
“Do you feel better now?”  
  
Xander sat up and scurried back as far as the rock would let him.  Glancing outside, he saw that night had fallen.  He must have slept for hours.  
  
“You’re still here?” Xander asked uncertainly.  
  
“Where else would I go?”  
  
Far, far away, Xander wanted to say.  But his more polite reply was interrupted as he smelled something burning.  “What’s that?”  
  
“Oh, dinner!” he scrambled off to the rear of the cave.  
  
This was not happening.  But he couldn’t just sit there, could he?  Curiosity got the better of him and he followed after William to see what ‘dinner’ was.  
  
He found William cursing at the charred remains of something.  
  
“Incompetent, useless git.  Never will amount to anything,” he railed, kicking dirt onto the fire.  
  
Something made Xander step up and stop the man.  
  
“Hey, now, what did a fire ever do to you?” he said lightly.  
  
William looked at him, embarrassment coloring his cheeks.  “I’m sorry.  My temper, it just . . . I never can seem to do anything right.  Honestly, I’m surprised I’m still alive at all.”  
  
“How long have you been here?”  
  
He frowned in concentration.  “Seems like forever some days.  Don’t rightly know.”  
  
“So, you’ve been living here, I take it,” Xander examined the cavern in the flickering firelight.  There was a cot and blankets, a few books, scattered papers . . . he was surprised he hadn’t noticed the things before.  But initially he’d been in shock with the whole Spike alive again and not Spike but some guy who looks like Spike but isn’t really Spike but would become Spike or had and . . . Time to stop that crazy train before it went any farther.  
  
“All the comforts of home, in a manner of speaking,” William sighed.  “And there lie the remains of my first hunt.  Or find.  The poor blighter was mostly dead when I stumbled across it.  Never cared much for rabbit.  Though beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose.  
  
Looked like Buffy had a new rival in the poor cooking skills department.  
  
“There are plenty of food stores in the back to last for quite some time,” he continued, walking over to sit on the cot, “but there’s no telling how long I will be here.  Now is as good as time as any to test my survival skills.”  
  
“You haven’t tried to leave?  Get back to civilization?”  
  
“Of course I have, do I look daft to you?” William looked at him incredulously.  “But I never seem to get anywhere but here.  I walked more than a day in every direction and yet every single time I wind up back at the cave.  This bloody stupid cave that seems so familiar and yet I’ve never seen the like of it.  Never been out of England a day in my life.”  
  
In spite of himself, Xander found himself genuinely interested in William’s plight.  Plus there was the whole “he looks like Spike, sounds like Spike but is most definitely not Spike” thing going on.  
  
Taking a seat on the floor, Xander made himself comfortable.  
  
“So, how do you think you got here?” he asked.  
  
Shrugging, “Haven’t the foggiest.  Last I remember is making an embarrassing exit from a party.  Woke up here and was very confused to say the least.  Had the strangest dreams, too.  Demons and bold women who wore hardly anything.  Thought I was going mad.  Now that I think back on it, I could almost swear you might have been in them.  Silly, isn’t it?”  
  
“Makes a lot more sense than you know,” Xander muttered.  And something occurred to him that was quite disturbing.  “Am I dead?”  
  
William laughed.  “Now why on earth would you think that?”  
  
Xander debated with how much to tell his companion.  “Well, it’s just that you remind me of someone I knew who...died over a year ago.”  Not to mention you were him before you got turned, he added to himself.  
  
“No, I believe we are both very much alive.  Not that it really says much, I suppose.”  
  
They sat in silence for a bit.  
  
Finally William spoke, “For all that we’ve talked, I don’t recall having gotten your name.”  
  
“Oh, it’s Xander.”  
  
“Short for Alexander, I assume?”  
  
“Yes, but I prefer Xander.”  
  
“Your choice,” he said nonplused.  “But Alexander is an excellent name.  Never cared much for my own.  But William I have been, and William I always shall be.  Never Will or Wills or Willy.”  
  
Xander was tempted to correct him on the name thing, but didn’t see any point.  Oddly enough, he was actually enjoying talking to William.  Reminded him of the few times he and Spike had gotten along, just two guys hanging out, sharing a beer, friendly though they never would be friends.  
  
“So what brings you to the middle of nowhere, Xander?” William interrupted his thoughts.  
  
“I think I’m looking for answers,” and then he went on to tell an edited version of his encounter with the village elders.  
  
“Always wanted to go on a vision quest.  Might have helped me if I had,” William said.  “See, after university, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself.  And then there was Cecily.  Further proof of the fool I am.”  
  
“Fool?”  
  
“Fell real hard for a girl I should have been smart enough to know would never look twice at me.  But love doesn’t always let us see reason, does it?”  
  
“No, it really doesn’t,” Xander agreed, remembering all the mistakes he’d made and messes he’d gotten into because of love, and lust for that matter.  
  
“Who was she?” William asked quietly.  
  
“Who?”  
  
“The girl who broke your heart?”  
  
Anya, he wanted to say.  But Xander wasn’t sure how true that was.  It hurt that she was gone, but she hadn’t broken is heart.  In all truth, he had broken hers.  Just like he broke Cordy’s.  When he got right down to it, it seemed that he hurt them before they could hurt him.  However unintentional or well-intentioned his actions were.  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry,” William apologized, reading Xander’s silence as anger.  
  
“Don’t worry about it.  You just got me thinking is all,” he explained.  
  
“No harm in that.”  William fidgeted, seeming to fight with himself.  “I know it’s none of my business and is extremely rude, but what happened to your eye?”  
  
Xander touched the black patch lightly.  “Battle wound, you could say.  Though not much of a battle on my part.”  
  
He still had nightmares of Caleb taking him by surprise, his—he shook the thought off.  Going there only led to badness.  If it hadn’t been for Spike, he might have lost his right eye as well.  Strange that Spike had been the one to save him.  
  
Why in the hell did everything keep coming back to Spike?  Well, one explanation was sitting in front of him, watching him intently.  Maybe if Spike had been more like William, they would have gotten on better.  Who was he kidding.  He hated Spike from day one for one reason:  he was a vampire.  And he hated vampires because of what they did to Jesse and because of what Angel did to Buffy.  Spike had never stood a chance.  
  
And no matter what he did or all that happened, Xander could never get past that fact.  The longer he talked to William, the more of Spike he could see.  Demon aside, underneath it all, Spike was just a guy, and not a half bad one at that.  
  
Seeming to read his thoughts, William asked, “This Spike fellow you say I remind you of, what was he like?”  
  
“What was he like?” Xander chuckled at the thought of having to explain to a person who they would become.  Suddenly he realized that a lot of the animosity he had felt for Spike had dissipated, maybe had a long time ago, but he had clung to the idea out of habit.  Spike was a vampire, ergo Xander hated Spike regardless of the way he took care of Dawn and helped out that summer Buffy was dead.  “Well, he was brutally honest and didn’t care what other people thought of him.  No, he did care, but he tried to act like he didn’t.  I think he liked to act tougher than he really was.”  
  
“You were friends?”  
  
“Spike and I?  God no, we...” he trailed off, not quite certain any more what he and Spike had been.  “I think the best way to describe it was reluctant allies, eventually.  And it was a lot easier to hate him than get to know him.”  
  
“Never had any friends myself,” William admitted.  “Pathetic, isn’t it?  Nearly thirty years old and not a single friend.”  
  
“Siblings?”  
  
“No, just me and my mum.  Guess she was a friend of sorts, but it’s really not the same.  At university it was easier to keep to myself.  When I got back home, I went to parties but mainly sat in the background.  And then I made the mistake of reading my poetry and...” he shook his head.  “Have you ever seen that something was going to be a disaster and yet you did nothing to stop it?”  
  
“More times than I can count,” Xander said.  “It’s like part of you can’t believe things will turn out that bad.”  
  
“Precisely.  And yet every time they do,” he yawned.  “Pardon me.”  
  
“Don’t apologize, it feels late.”  
  
William smiled.  “Strange as it probably seems to you, I usually go to bed not long after sunset.  And get up with the sun.  I guess it’s because it’s the only way to keep track of time out here.”  
  
“Good as any,” Xander got to his feet.  “I’ll just go and let you get some sleep.”  
  
He started off to the front of the cave.  
  
“Xander?”  He stopped and looked back.  “Thank you.  For talking to me.”  
  
“Beats talking to myself.”  
  
And he left William to go to sleep.  
  
But after his nap earlier that day, Xander didn’t feel much like sleep.  So instead, he sat in the mouth of the cave watching the stars as the night passed and tried to make sense of things.  
  


***

  
  
In the morning, William and Xander talked some more over breakfast.  It was relaxed and easy.  About mid-morning, Xander decided it was probably time he got on his way.  
  
As he was packing up his things, Xander looked at William, “Here’s a crazy idea.  Why don’t you come back with me?  Between the two of us, I’m sure we could find our way out of this place.”  
  
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll think I stay here for a bit longer.  Something tells me things are different out there than I remember,” William turned down his offer with a sad smile.  
  
“Come on, William.  What is there for you here?”  
  
“Peace, I think.  Right now this is the place I need to stay.  Eventually maybe...” he trailed off.  “But if you ever happen to be in the area again, you’ll always be welcome.”  
  
Xander just couldn’t let the matter rest, even though deep down he knew it was pointless to argue.  But with Buffy and Willow and even Giles so caught up in their own lives, even his close friends were little more than passing acquaintances now.  So finding someone he could talk to, really talk to, was not something to let easily slip by.  Even if William was a constant reminder of Spike and all things associated with him.  
  
“Xander?”  
  
He looked at William.  “Ok, how’s this for logic.  If you can’t leave this place no matter how far you walk, what makes you think it would be any different for me?”  
  
“For starters, you have people out there who need you, Xander, and care about what happens to you,” William replied sagely.  “You’re more important than you give yourself credit for being.”  
  
He wasn’t sure how to respond to that.  
  
“And if you’re really trying to move on, like you say you are, you need to let things go.  Stop beating yourself up about things,” William added.  
  
And finally it dawned on Xander, “You’re my spirit guide, aren’t you?”  
  
William shrugged.  “Maybe.  I suppose anything is possible.  Or I could just be a man, far from home, who woke up in a cave one day.”  
  
“Sure, go for the obvious one,” Xander grinned.  He held out his hand, “Thanks for listening.”  
  
Taking it, William shook it firmly.  “You’re a good man, Alexander Harris.  Remember that.”  
  
With that, Xander picked up his things and started on his way back to the village.  
  
He had walked for about ten minutes when he realized, he’d never told William his last name.  Even before he turned around to look, he knew the cave would be gone.  
  



End file.
